S's marriage was on the rocks, but is now riding high on the waves.

My husband and I separated for quite some time in 2000. I packed up the kids took all my worldly belongs, and what was left of my self esteem and went to my parent's home. He was upset that I left, acted like a jerk, then tried begging, I still left. For my life to change there had to be that distance or our lives would have never changed.

Funny thing is, we made a deal to call once a week. When I got to their home he called every other day. I started exercising to relieve stress. When I talked to him I refused to argue with him. I always was the one who ended the conversation...and we didn't have any contact except via the telephone or computer. What was funny is I knew all along I did want him back, it was he who felt the marriage wasn't what he thought it should be. But in the end it was me who changed in the beginning. I saw things differently...it was like a new me found the way to the surface! I bought clothes, cleaned up...I felt awesome! But I missed him SOOO MUCH!!

Anyways, I got off on a tangent...He called me daily, would ask me to call him. (I was always on time! To his surprise, I laughed, I wasn't moody. And I tried being supportive of his life also while still caring for the kids and my normal duties.)

Well he came to visit, I made up my mind if I was going back I wasn't going to force myself on him! It HAD to be his idea for me to go back. So when he got into town, he had to find a hotel room. He had to call me to ask me to go out. I guess the side effects of exercising were showing, I felt alive, not as stressed, able to cope. (And had lost a few pounds.) He was intriqued I could tell! Excited to hang out with me and the kids. Spent time talking to me about things we hadn't discussed in years. It felt awesome! But I wanted him to have time to get himself in order, so I didn't go home immediately...I didn't want to not have things changed so I encouraged him to find himself, make decisions...to ask questions of himself that he needed to find out. (Because I was...and I was soo happy with the person I had found hiding under the old frumpy housewife!) I actually cleaned up daily, wasn't dowdy! The change I found when I found me was enough to change the way our marriage worked. I think the changes I MADE, in turm made him change how he reacted to me...it won't happen overnight, but seriously don't let too much time pass. Let him know you enjoyed your night out if he doesn't show. Don't fall into old traps and start seeing who you are...inner happiness is amazing when coupled with feminine manner, mystery and acceptance!

We still have a relationship unlike before! It is WORTH IT to make yourself available on YOUR terms, sooner or later he will see the other woman for the negative qualities you USED to possess. I used many moments to tell him I trusted him, accepted him, let him know how wonderful he was as a father, and the things I always loved about him. Thanked him, gave him encouragement...etc. I know FW works...I'm with my husband. The woman he found so enticing isn't who he ended up with, and I had my first view of how wonderful living FW really is!

Good luck on your journey!

Comments from a later letter:

One thing I think I should add, I did make a conscious choice to move on and not dwell on the past. When we became a family again it was a new slate. Nothing we'd said in the past, done to make each other hurt, etc. was to be brought up again. (Harder than it sounds, but trust me WELL Worth it! I actually started this before we got back together, and it wasn't spoken about until his brother mentioned something about how do you get over things in the past. My DH is the one who said forgive and move on.) My DH and I haven't brought up anything from before...I couldn't hold the other woman over his head, he didn't hold my negative traits above mine. (I had quite a few!!) In the end forgiving him was all that mattered and working out everything to an end result we both can enjoy and live with. Everyone asks me what I'll do if it were to happen all over again, and all I can think of is, "deal with that IF it ever happens". I'm not going to start getting negative thinking it will! Why worry about future events when I have the now to live in?

Guess I have learned quite a lot via FW. Now if I can just finish getting this weight off! I can't wait to look as feminine as I feel!!!

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